


Luci Lies to Children

by GuestPlease



Series: Cycle One: Dreams [2]
Category: Disenchantment (TV 2018), Princess Bride (1987)
Genre: Adult Language, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Luci is telling children a bedtime story, M/M, including Odval and Sorcerio as Valerie and Miracle Max, retelling of the Princess Bride, which also means Luci is lying and plagiarizing, with cameos from most of Dreamland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 17:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21431848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuestPlease/pseuds/GuestPlease
Summary: 'Luci posed. “I’m going to tell you guys a story.”“What kind of a story?” Addie asked.“Addie! We’re not babies!” Freddie hissed. “We’re ten.”“It’s a fun story. It’s about your parents.” Luci said. “The kind of story that your dad would not want me to tell you.”'Bean and Pendergast are out for the night, so it's up to Luci to ugh-- keep the peace!-- and tell their children a story. A story he totally came up with himself, thank you very much!
Relationships: Bean | Tiabeanie/Pendergast (Disenchantment), Elfo/Luci (Disenchantment)
Series: Cycle One: Dreams [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675498
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Luci Lies to Children

In the palace of Maru, there were several constants. One was the actions of each of the royal children. Emma was a good little soldier, following her father around as his shadow. Adelaide and Alfred were usually together, and if they weren’t, there was trouble.

They were together now, though. Both were tucked up into their twin beds on either side of the room painted down the with pink and green on either side. Both Adelaide and Alfred—Addie and Freddie—had teddy bears in their arms, and were very intently pretending to sleep. If anyone checked in on them who wasn’t in the know, they’d be fooled.

The door cracked open. Neither child stopped pretending.  
“Weird that the one night you guys plan _not_ to do mischief, your parents are on a trip to Cremorrah.” Luci mused, shutting the door behind him.  
Addie cracked first. She sat up, pretending to yawn. “Uncle Luci, what’re you doing here?”  
Luci hopped up onto her bed. “Checking in on you guys. Your parents left Emma in charge, and I’m just worried whatever you’re planning is gonna take longer to fix than the time she has.”

Freddie sat up next, not bothering to pretend he’d been asleep. “Nah, just… lacing stuff with fireworks. The usual. Maybe dying her hair pink while she’s sleeping.”  
Addie giggled. “It’d be easier to dye my hair pink.”  
Which was a fair criticism of the plan, and therefore made Luci suspect it was more Freddie’s than Addie’s. Addie and Freddie had inherited Bean’s white hair, whereas Emma—and the baby too, it looked like—had inherited Pendergast’s ginger-brown.

“Well, if your parents feel like they can’t trust you guys while they’re gone, they’re not going to leave you alone in Emma’s care. Why not let it go this time, so you can cause more trouble later? After all, if they have to bring you on trips, then you lose the home advantage.”  
“What do you suggest we do instead?” Freddie asked shrewdly.

Luci posed. “I’m going to tell you guys a story.”  
“What kind of a story?” Addie asked.  
“Addie! We’re not babies!” Freddie hissed. “We’re _ten_.”  
“It’s a fun story. It’s about your parents.” Luci said. “The kind of story that your dad would not want me to tell you.”

“Because it’s not true?” Addie suggested.  
“Parts of it are kind of true!” Luci said defensively. “I’m doing _you guys_ a favor here.”  
“I suppose we could listen until you leave.” Freddie yawned, not even pretending that they were going to sleep once Luci left.

Luci rolled his eyes, not that they could see both eyes being rolled with the way his face was angled. “You’re _very_ kind. Thanks, guys.”

**\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

So, in Dreamland, your grandfather is king, and your mom was the princess, right? Your dad was the head of the knights of the Zog table, that’s why he’s like that. Anyway, Bean thought Pendergast was an asshole, and he thought she was a brat, but you know. They gave each other some space, and they just _clicked_.

They were inseparable, just like they are now. Elfo and I thought it was _gross_, but… y’know. Your parents have that cute thing they say to each other… “I think I love you” or something like that. So that stems from when Bean actually told Pendergast she loved him for the first time. But then he had to go off to war in Bentwood against the Vikings. And he didn’t come back. The army came back, but… not him. It ripped Bean apart from the inside out. Her father gave her a few years to grieve, but then said she had to marry the prince of Bentwood.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“But… Dad’s fine.” Addie pointed out.  
“But the story’s not over yet.” Luci replied.  
“Is this the prince of Bentwood that died?” Freddie asked, poorly disguising interest in a tale he had heard about contextually, but never had the details of because it was considered ‘inappropriate’.  
“No.” Luci said.  
Freddie noticeably slumped. “_Lame_.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The prince of Bentwood was actually a pig, because of a magical incident, the details of which I am _definitely_ not allowed to tell you. All I can say is that it involves Elfo’s blood, and thirty walruses, and he turned into a pig the day that they were supposed to be married. So the wedding was somewhat delayed while everyone waited for Bean to come to terms with the fact that she had to marry a literal pig. I guess they were kind of hoping she’d turn him back with a kiss, or whatever.

“I’m not marrying him.” Bean said, storming through her room.  
Her dad followed her. “Uh, yeah you are. I’m your father, and what I say goes.”  
“You expect me to marry a pig! A _pig_, Dad!”  
“A pig with royal blood. And y’know, he used to be a person.”  
“I don’t _care_ that he used to be a person! He’s not a person anymore—and even if he was, I still wouldn’t marry him! I don’t _love_ him!”

Zog sighed. “Jesus, Bean. Where’d this ‘love’ come from? No one’s askin’ ya to love him. We’re just askin’ ya to marry him and behave for once.”  
She made a rude gesture that I’m not allowed to show you guys for plausible deniability, but I’m sure you both already know it.  
Zog left the room, and Bean shoved clothes in a bag. “I’m leaving. Are you two coming or not?”

“Uh… where are we going?” Elfo asked, like a nerd. “This seems like a bad idea, I saw a man dressed in black watching you get dragged to the church.”  
“Why didn’t you say so before?” I asked, running a hand through my long golden locks. Yeah, I used to be a blonde—okay, you’re both laughing too hard for me to try to keep lying. I looked pretty much the same then as I do now.  
“I mean, it didn’t come up, and we’re in a castle. He’s not going to get us here, right?”  
“Don’t worry.” I said to Elfo, huskily. “I’ll protect you.”

“Guys, we don’t have time for _your_ far better love story when it’s supposed to be a story about me and Pendergast.” Bean said. Okay, she didn’t actually say that. She said, “You guys can stay here if you want. Maybe they’ll make _you_ marry Merkimer.”  
“Ew, I don’t want to marry Merkimer.” I said, scampering onto her shoulder.  
“And besides, we can take a lone man.” Bean continued.  
“This sounds like a terrible idea. Let’s do it.” I replied.

“Maybe he’s friendly?” Elfo tried, because he was and still is easily swayed.  
Bean finished packing and climbed out the window with us. She stole a horse, and we were off! We rode throughout the night down the coast, stopping to camp briefly. We were off again the next morning, when we ran into three people. Shock, horror! It was your grandmother, Bunty, and Miri!

“What’s up, guys?” Bean asked, eyes uneasily flicking between them. “How’d you find me?”  
“Hi, Bean.” Miri said. “I’m just here ‘cause it pays well. You know?”  
“Yeah?” Bean said.  
“I’m here because I follow milady Dagmar.” Bunty added. “My loyalty was never to Dreamland.”  
Dagmar stepped forward. “You’re miles away from Dreamland, my sweet baby. It’s time for your true destiny to be revealed.”  
“Wait, what--?” Bean began, before she was clonked on the head by Bunty.

“That seems unnecessary.” Elfo said, before he and I were thrown in a sack.  
“…so. Come here often?” I said once we tried and failed to escape.  
Someone—I’m guessing Miri, since Dagmar doesn’t do her own dirty work—carried us onto the ship while Bunty carried Bean.

“Set sail for Maru.” Dagmar said. “I have a crown to put on my daughter.”  
“This is a really weird way to go about that.” Miri said, putting us down on the ship’s floor.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Do you mean the deck?” Addie asked.  
“Whatever.” Luci replied. “It doesn’t matter. …but yeah. That.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bean woke up quickly enough, and I could hear her trying to chew through the ropes they must have bound her with.  
“C’mon, Miri, we’re friends, right? You don’t want me to die?” Bean wheedled.  
“No one here wants you to die, princess!” Bunty said in horror. “Your mother just wants you to fulfill your destiny!”  
“Yes.” Dagmar said, in a way which implied that she did not want just that.  
“I just want to get paid.” Miri said apologetically. “I’m sorry, princess.”

“What’s going to happen to us?” Elfo asked.  
“You haven’t been thrown overboard, yet…?” Dagmar said. “Well, maybe you’ll be of some use as extortion material for my daughter.”  
“How can either of you think this is good?!” Bean demanded. “Jesus, if I wanted to be forced to do something _completely insane_ by one of my parents, I would have stayed in Dreamland and married the fucking pig!”

“Now, princess, I’m sure whoever your father chose for you is a nice man—” Bunty began.  
“No, she means he’s a literal pig.” Elfo said from the sack we were in.  
The boat felt kind of awkward, like Bunty and Miri _wanted_ to help, but… well, you know how it goes.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dad says that you either do something, or you don’t. Regretting it doesn’t mean anything if you still go through with it and don’t make amends.” Freddie huffed.  
Addie nodded. “At the very least, you have to say sorry. Just feeling bad but still doing it doesn’t mean anything. Also, Miri and Bunty are nice!”  
“Yeah, they’re nice.” Luci scoffed. “I’m not done with the story.”

“Sorry, Uncle Luci.” Addie said, brown eyes wide, the picture of innocence. “See? Showing regret in a way that makes amends.”  
“And is proportional to the damage!” Freddie added.  
“Jesus, you both sound a lot like Pendergast right now. And here I thought being a miniature version of your dad was Emma’s thing.” Luci muttered, before continuing.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miri happened to glance back. “Uh… Dagmar?”  
“Excuse me? I am a _queen_. You will treat me with respect.” Dagmar hissed.  
I’m guessing Miri shrugged. “Okay, _Queen_ Dagmar, there’s a boat following us.”  
“What?! Impossible.” It sounded like Dagmar shoved Miri out of the way. “…probably just… a late night fisherman… out for a cruise in kraken infested waters…”

“KRAKEN?” Elfo said loudly. Not loudly enough, apparently, because Bean still apparently decided to jump off and try her luck on the other ship.  
“After her!” Dagmar shrieked.  
“I can’t swim.” Miri very obviously lied. The kind of lie she gives when your dad is trying to chase you two down and he says, “Miri, where the hell are the twins?!” and she says, “I didn’t know you have children.”

“I can’t swim either.” Bunty said. That _was_ the truth. Still kind of is, I never thought to ask since then.  
“Ridiculous!” Dagmar screamed. “Bring the boat around!”  
The boat suddenly lurched and turned, and Elfo and I went flying into Dagmar. She grabbed our sack, and held it up. And then she started poking holes in it with her knife that we were lucky enough to avoid.

There was also a hiss of pain and the sound of metal scraping against skin, I’m guessing she cut her arm to add blood to the water when ours didn’t work.  
A deep, guttural growl sounded from the water. We peeked out a hole to see Bean in the water, still desperately trying to paddle away.  
“Do you know what that sound is, _highness_?” Dagmar laughed. “That’s the kraken! Now, I don’t want to hurt you… and I don’t want to drop this wriggling sack overboard, but the longer I’m forced to hold it up, the greater chance there is of your friends dropping to the depths! _You_ may survive the kraken, but I doubt _they_ will!”

Bean hesitated. “You’re _sick_, Mom!”  
“And I’m getting impatient as well!” Dagmar called back. The growling grew louder. “Besides, you’ll never be able to get to the ship in time! I won’t hurt you, but can you say the same of the kraken?!”  
“You’re actively trying to screw a crown that destroys people’s minds to my head!” Bean called back.  
“But your body will remain! Isn’t that better than the pain of death?!”

We saw a tentacle snap out of the water. Bean glanced towards the other ship, as Dagmar’s blood dripped into the ocean. The hesitation was all Bunty needed, as she got close enough and grabbed Bean out of the water. Satisfied, Dagmar dropped us on the deck, and healed herself.  
“They’re still gaining on us.” Miri called. Apparently, she wasn’t allowed to steer the ship anymore.

“Doesn’t matter.” Dagmar snapped. “I suppose you think that was terribly brave, don’t you, Bean?”  
“Only compared to some.” Bean spat as Miri tied her hands.  
“I wonder how your little friends feel about you trying to abandon them to save your own skin. Was that brave, Bean?”  
“Don’t listen to her!” Elfo called.

“Yeah, good for you for at least _trying_!” I added.  
“I mean, I’m still mad, but I don’t want Dagmar to win and turn us against her, y’know?” Elfo admitted to me.  
I nodded, and together, we rolled our sack over to Bean. At least we had each other, y’know?  
We reached a way-station island the next day. That ship still followed us.  
“We need to go up the cliff for water for the next leg of the journey.” Bunty said.

Dagmar crossed her arms. “I don’t feel comfortable leaving anyone alone with that… _ship_ following us. No matter. We’ll hide out here for a few days.”  
“I wonder if he’s using the same wind we are?” Miri mused.  
“It doesn’t _matter_.” Dagmar hissed. “Only Bunty is strong enough to go up our way, and he’ll have to find a harbor and lose precious time.”

Speaking of losing precious time, Bean once again tried to run. Miri tripped her as she ran past, and then caught her and stopped her from knocking herself out on a rock.  
“Traitor.” Bean snapped.  
“Let’s not make this harder than it has to be.” Miri sighed, strapping her into a harness Bunty was wearing. “Everyone’s just trying to get home at the end of the day.” She grabbed our sack as well, before strapping herself in as well. Dagmar had already done the same.

Bunty began to climb. Elfo and I peered through a hole in the sack, and saw that we were being followed. All the power to this mysterious masked man in black. Unfortunately, Miri noticed as well.  
She whistled. “Jesus, those _arms_.”  
Dagmar looked down too. “How the f—this is impossible! You were meant to be the strongest person in Dreamland! How is he _gaining_?! You were meant to be undefeatable!”

“Well, I’m carrying you, your daughter, Miri, Baby Elfo—” Bunty tried to say.  
“I do not accept excuses!” Dagmar hissed.  
“Can I change my stance on dying in a Kraken accident?” Bean asked. “I’ve decided I want my mind to stay with my body, and if they’re _both_ broken, that counts, right?”

“Oh, shut up, Bean.” Dagmar said.  
“Besides, if you dash yourself on the rocks, we’re thrown off balance, and we all die.” Miri said.  
“Oh no, my kidnappers die.” Bean replied sarcastically.  
Miri gave a low whistle. “_Harsh_.”

Bunty finally reached the top, and Dagmar hurried out of the harness, running to cut the rope they’d been climbing. It slid over the edge, and Miri, still holding us but free from that harness thing, peered over. The man in black was on the cliff.  
Dagmar joined us. “How is he still alive?! Impossible!”  
“Well, it’s happening, so it must be possible…” Miri muttered. “Probable, even.”

Dagmar shot her a dirty look. “Bunty, bring my daughter. Miri, stay here. If he falls, fine, if not, kill him yourself.”  
“Should I keep these two?” Miri asked.  
“Fine! Less of a problem for me to deal with.” Dagmar huffed, before stalking off with Bunty and Bean, now both freed from the harness.   
Miri set us down on the ground, and from what I could see, sat down on a rock.

We immediately got to work trying to widen one of the holes.  
“Don’t make me kick you guys.” She called.  
We stopped trying to widen one of the holes.  
She wandered off to the Cliffside. “Jesus, you’re taking forever.”

“Well, it _is_ known as the Cliffs of Insanity.” We heard someone faintly call back. “It’s not supposed to be easy. Why?”  
“I hate waiting.”  
“Lower a rope, or a branch or something.”

“Look, dude, I appreciate your arm strength, but you get that I’m going to try to kill you once you’re up here, right? I don’t want you to have any false leads about my intentions.”  
“Then shut up and ignore the rope thing. I can’t trust you not to cut the rope, and this is harder than it looks.”  
“Aw, c’mon. That wouldn’t be sporting of me. I _promise_ I won’t kill you until you reach the top.”

The man seemed to sigh. “Throw me the rope.”  
Miri acquiesced. A minute later, he climbed up, and she shot our bag a look. “Behave, you two.”  
The man began to draw his sword, and Miri shook her head. “We’ll wait until you’re ready. C’mon, man, I’m not an animal.”  
“That’s _very_ kind of you.” The man in black plopped himself down on a rock.

“So, why’re you following us?” Miri asked.  
“Would you believe it’s for true love?” The man replied.  
“He was watching Bean before we left Dreamland!” Elfo called to Miri.

Miri glanced at our bag, then at the man. “So, you’re stalking my girl?”  
“Your girl?” The man scoffed. “She’s her own person.”  
“She’s my friend.”  
“What a friend you are.”

“…I don’t… _want_ her to get hurt. I just thought it’d be an easy job, get me the money I need, you know? No one gets hurt.” Miri looked uneasy.  
“Why do you need money, anyway?” The man asked.  
“I’ve got bills.” Miri pointed out. “Also, I need to be able to travel around. There’s this one asshole with goggles and no hair on the sides of his head, just the top. He burned down my house. I’ve been chasing him for years, and I’m starting to lose hope. I need closure for my family, man.”

“Well, that sucks.” The man said after a moment. “Ready?”  
“Are you?”  
“You gave me enough time.” The man nodded as thanks. Their sword battle ranged all over, but ultimately the man won. He cut us out of the sack.

“Oh my God, did you kill her?” I asked. “That’s fucked up.” Don’t say that word, by the way, your dad will kill me.  
“I didn’t kill her!” He said defensively. “I just… I knocked her out. I can’t have her following me, she’s dangerous!”  
“We could be dangerous. You’re stalking Bean!” Elfo pointed out.

“Yeah, they put us in that sack to contain us!” I added.  
“I’m not _stalking_ her.” The man growled. “I’m trying to save her! Especially from Dagmar! I just want to _talk_ to her!”  
“She’s not going to fall madly in love with you.” Elfo scoffed.

The man stiffened. “Why? Because she’s getting _married_?”  
“Let’s go with that.” I hopped up on his shoulder. “But as I see it, we have a common goal. You can talk to Bean then about her marriage or whatever once we all find her.”  
The man grumbled for a minute, but took us with him.

We ran into Bunty, and he beat her in hand-to-hand combat. Somehow. I wasn’t really looking, or paying attention. It kind of took a while. Stop giving me that look! How am I supposed to describe Bunty—the juggernaut—getting beaten in hand to hand? She once ripped a Viking’s head off!

Anyway, then we ran into Dagmar. She’d had the smart idea of blindfolding Bean, so it was harder to run away, and they were sitting on a rock, wine and two goblets in front of them. She had a knife to Bean’s throat.  
“Isn’t this cute? All your misfit men are here now, my sweet baby.” Dagmar cooed.  
“Please _never_ say that again.” Bean muttered.

“Surely we can come to some sort of accord?” The masked man tried.  
Dagmar scowled. “Accord? You’re trying to kidnap my baby. I stole her already, and I’m not going to let _you_ take her. Keep going if you want to kill her.”  
“It doesn’t need to come to that.” The masked man said. “Look—you have her, and you know you can’t leave because I will follow. So we’re at an impasse. How do we solve it?”

“What do you suggest?” Dagmar asked, intrigued.  
“I… suggest a game. Of sorts.” He withdrew a vial from his shirt and holding it out to her. “Smell, but don’t touch.”  
“I smell nothing.” Dagmar huffed, handing it back to him after sniffing it.  
“That’s iocane power for you. Tasteless, odorless, dissolves instantly in liquid. Fairly deadly. Do you think you can outwit me?”

“Of course.” Dagmar scoffed.  
“Then pour the wine, and I’ll put it in a cup. You must guess which one, and then we both drink.” The masked man said.  
“Fine, but those two stay over there, away from my daughter, or I’ll immediately stick this knife in her. Don’t think I won’t.”

“She’s lying! She needs Bean to put on this crazy crown!” Elfo yelled.  
Dagmar shot him a look of distaste. Bean’s hands were tied in front of her, and without warning, drove her knife through Bean’s hand. That’s how she got that scar.  
Bean bit back a scream so as not to give Dagmar the satisfaction.

“Okay, okay! They’ll stay back, but you won’t hurt her, okay?” The masked man said hurriedly.  
Dagmar chuckled. “Excellent.” She poured the wine, and handed both goblets to him. He tipped the iocane powder, and we couldn’t see which one it was in either.

He turned back to Dagmar, now more relaxed and pointedly not looking at Bean’s hand.  
“You might as well bandage her hand.” He said.  
“I’ll do that after you’re dead.” She promised.

He ground his teeth. “Let’s begin.”  
“Well, it’s simple. I just need to divine what I know from you to choose which goblet.” Dagmar said flippantly. “Are you the sort of man who’d put the poison in his goblet or mine? You obviously care about my daughter, so would you put it in my goblet to spare her from her _evil_ mother, or would you put it in yours to put it as far away as possible from her?”

“She’s not going to drink it.” The masked man feigned apathy. “Why would that matter?”  
Dagmar watched him. “Indeed. Why would it? You beat Miri, so you must be well-studied, so you must want the poison as far from you as possible. _But_ you also beat Bunty, so you might think yourself a big, _strong_ man, able to withstand the poison?”

“You’re trying to trick me into giving something away. It won’t work.” The masked man said.  
“Of course it will. All men are the same when you get down to it.” Dagmar said dismissively.  
The masked man leaned forward. “Then surely you know which goblet the poison’s in?”

“Of course. Oh, excuse me, I must have dropped this.” Dagmar dropped a handkerchief on the ground.  
The masked man gave a sigh of long suffering. “Let me help you.” Dagmar switched the goblets while he knelt to retrieve it.  
“Oh, thank you.” Dagmar simpered.  
He was unimpressed. “Please just drink your wine.”

“I choose… yours.” She said. They both reached for their goblets and clinked them together, before both took a pull.  
“You guessed wrong, by the way.”  
Dagmar burst out laughing. “You _idiot_, I switched the goblets when you were retrieving the handkerchief! What a stupid man—” She fell over.

He promptly moved over to Bean, taking her blindfold and untying her, then bandaging her hand with the blindfold.  
“So… it was in your glass the whole time?” Bean asked as we scampered over.  
“It was in both glasses.” He admitted. “I’ve been building up a resistance to iocane powder— hey!”

Bean, untied and unblindfolded, was running off with me on her shoulder and Elfo on her heels.  
Of course he took off after her. Of course he caught her.  
“Hey, we were having a conversation!” He hissed.  
“Well, I don’t want to _converse_ with you!” She huffed, kicking out at the air.

He held on tight. “I’m not going to _hurt_ you! I just want to talk to you!”  
“Lemme go!” She squirmed out of his arms.

He let her go.  
“What the hell do you want to talk to me about, asshole?! You just killed my mom!”  
“She was trying to kill you! What was I supposed to do?!” He demanded.  
She sat down on a rock. “Asshole. What do you want, anyway? Dreamland doesn’t have any money, and even if we did, my dad’s not going to ransom me back. What, you want to brag to all your other masked friends about how you took a princess’ virginity? Well guess what, I lost it a while back!”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’s virginity?” Addie asked.  
“Yeah, why would taking it be something to brag about?” Freddie added.  
Luci glared at them both. “I _know_ you know what sex is. I listened to your parents awkwardly explain it to you.”

“Well…” Addie played with the ribbon around her bear’s neck. “I don’t see why sex should be so commodified. Why is my blood seal worth more than anyone else’s? Why does it even matter?”  
“Well, you’re ten, so if you’ve been… _touched_ by an adult, that definitely matters.” Luci pointed out. “…you haven’t, have you? Because you need to tell me.”

“We haven’t. But Mom’s not ten in your story, so why does it matter? Especially since she’s obviously talking to Dad.” Addie continued.  
“Besides, we don’t want to hear this stuff.” Freddie made a face.  
“…right, forgot my audience. Well, it’s part of the story now.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You are the most _difficult_ woman I’ve ever met.” The masked man—I know you two know who he is, but we didn’t know at this point in the story—huffed.  
“Yeah, like I haven’t heard that before.” Bean scoffed. “Anyway, you’ll just get hunted down if you don’t let me go right now. And you’ll get a kick in the stomach for it too!”  
“Right, because you’re great about promises.” He growled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Bean demanded.  
“Hit him! Hit him!” I urged.  
“Aren’t you supposed to be getting married soon?” He asked, crossing his arms. “And yet here you are. Dagmar didn’t take you from your room in the castle, princess.”

“What—like I was just supposed to stay there and-and _marry him_?! No!”  
“So what was your plan anyway?” Elfo asked.  
Bean ran her uninjured hand through her hair. “I don’t know. I just… dammit, none of this was supposed to turn out this way! I was supposed to marry the man I actually love!”  
“Ohhh, now you’ve done it!” I said to the masked man. “She mentioned _him_. That never ends well for anyone.”

Elfo was staring at the masked man. “…I remember hearing about a guy with a mask and an eyepatch while we were all pointedly not listening to Zog. …aren’t you the Dread Pirate Einarsson?”  
“Okay, yes, I have gone by that name—”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you trying to imply _Dad_ is a _pirate_?” Freddie interrupted.  
“No! No. I’m saying he _was_ a pirate. To fight against the forces of tyranny that left him to die, and all that. And the Vikings _made_ him be a pirate.” Luci pointed out.  
Addie frowned. “But he said he was going by that name. Surely if he had worked his way up to Dread Pirate Einarsson, he had time to go collect Mom before she was supposed to marry the pig prince. Why is he a pig, by the way?”  
“He actually is a pig.” Luci replied.

“I don’t believe you.” Freddie said stiffly.  
“…what _do_ you believe from this story? Because I’ve subtly been sprinkling in truths.”  
Freddie and Addie looked at each other in disbelief.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, yes, I have gone by that name—” The masked man said. Bean cut him off by swinging at his face. He caught it. “If you would just let me explain--!”  
“There’s nothing for you to explain!” Bean hissed. “You killed him! You _killed_ my Pen! You sieged Bentwood, and the army never recovered him! He didn’t even get a proper burial because of you! What kind of a sick—”  
“Bean, _please_. Let me explain, because I don’t want to fight right now.” The masked man said.

“Fight, fight, fight!” I chanted in the background.  
“Kick his ass, Bean!” Elfo called.  
The masked man gave another sigh of long suffering. “Bean. _Princess_. I didn’t kill him.”  
“Okay, maybe you didn’t swing the axe, but—”

“Let me finish. He was captured, not killed.”  
Bean immediately tried to headbutt him. Again he blocked her. “Jesus Christ… Bean? I think I love you.”  
“You have _no right_ to… what?” She said, catching up to what he had said.  
He undid the mask. Who could have guessed that it was, in fact, Pendergast, who was not dead! Stop giving me that look. You’re both very smart.

Bean, on the other hand, seemed to have broken. “I… _what_?! Is this a dream—or-or some crazy fucked up trick?!”  
“No tricks.” He said quietly. “Just me. I’m back.”  
She jumped on him, and he just managed to catch her in time.

“You _asshole_! You let me think you were dead for _five years_!” She said, covering his face in kisses.  
“I _was_ captured by the real Einarsson.” Pendergast remarked drily. “Couldn’t exactly send a letter.”  
“What was the mask for?!” Bean demanded.

“I didn’t want one of them to recognize me and give me away. One of anyone, really. Also, it’s kind of the Dread Pirate’s _thing_, but that’s another story. Also, _you_ were going to get married! I stayed faithful, Princess!”  
“I didn’t _want_ to! Even when he was a people!” She protested. “I…” She leaned her forehead against his. “I’m glad you’re back, even if you did kill my mom.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Grandmother’s not actually dead, though?” Freddie frowned. “Especially not before Mom and Dad got married.”  
“She sent us a letter on our last birthday.” Addie agreed.  
“Uh… okay, for the purposes of the story, it actually was a knockout drug in case she made your mom drink it instead, and she just woke up and ran off somewhere for the rest of the story. She’s as good _as_ dead.” Luci said.

Satisfied, the children nodded.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m glad you’re back, even if you did knock my mom out.” Bean finished.  
That was about the time that the knights of Dreamland showed up with Prince Merkimer. Oh yeah, we were also near the edge of this… cliff… hill thing.

“There you are, princess. Come back, so we may be wed.” Merkimer said, riding up. Don’t ask me how a pig can ride a horse. That’s not important.  
“Yeah… that’s absolutely not going to happen.” Bean replied. “I have standards, and you meet exactly none of them.”  
Merkimer laughed. “That’s what I like about you! Your feminine sense of humor! Give me your hand in marriage, Bean.”

“You want a hand?” Bean gave him the gesture that I’m still not allowed to tell you guys about. And then we all fell backwards off the cliff-hill thing. Well… kinda jumped. Including Pendergast. Yeah, Pendergast was definitely there and not _on top of the hill_… cliff… thing. Whatever.

We rolled, and since it was so steep, the horses couldn’t follow us down.  
“Oh my God, how are we not dead?” Elfo asked.  
“Being dead would hurt more, trust me.” I replied.  
Merkimer was yelling some nonsense, but honestly, no one was paying attention to him.

“So, how many of your standards do I meet, princess?” Pendergast asked, cracking his back as he stood up.  
“All of them.” Bean replied. “One of them is just straight up that it’s you.”

It almost looked like Merkimer _was_ going to send someone down after us. Pendergast, cut off from saying something sappy, said instead, “Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps and we’ll be safe in the Fire Swamp!”  
“I am _loving_ how this sounds.” I said. “Fire Swamp? Certain death? Sign me up.”

Now…. For context, the Fire Swamp is a bit of land _technically_ claimed by Dankmire. I say technically because there’s not any _official_ Dankmirian representatives, just kind of people they didn’t want. But those people still considered themselves Dankmirian, y’know? Yeah… they don’t like us.

Anyway, trivia over. We were all in the Fire Swamp, and Bean was only asking questions now. “So, you said you were Einarsson? But he’s been raiding ships for _years_. How is that possible? Oh, were you a secret pirate this whole time?”  
Pendergast sighed. “I was _not_ a secret pirate. I got captured by… Einarsson. I didn’t beg, I didn’t grovel, but for whatever reason, sh—_he_ decided not to kill me. I joined the crew, in a way, and that’s when I did things like build up the iocane powder resistance.”  
“So… if you and Einarsson were so buddy-buddy why didn’t you come back sooner?” Bean asked, rubbing her arm.

Pendergast laughed mirthlessly. “We weren’t. She—he—kept threatening to kill me every night. I eventually said, ‘not if I kill you first’, and she’d laugh.”  
“Okay, you keep saying ‘she’. Were you and Einarsson a thing? Didja have a secret girlfriend?” I asked, hopping onto his shoulder.

“Absolutely not!” Pendergast hissed. “I would never dishonor Bean like that.”  
“Jesus, I was just asking.” I muttered, climbing off of his shoulder.  
There was a popping sound, and I was immediately engulfed by fire.  
“Oh my God, Luci!” Elfo screamed.

“Kinda homey. Can’t really get the right heat up here.” I sighed, soothed. “You guys should watch out, though.”  
After they stared at me for a few more minutes, the fire receded. I scurried on, looking for more popping sounds and more glorious warmth.

“So what’s up with you and _her_?” Bean asked. I saw her cross her arms while I was running around.  
“So, she took me into her cabin.” Pendergast began.  
“Uh huh.”  
“And she revealed something. She said, ‘I’m not the Dread Pirate Einarsson. More accurately, I am the Dread Pirate Einarsdottir. My name is Magnhild, I took over for my brother after he retired to our homeland. I want to go home now, so the ship is yours’. And we sailed into a port, took on an entirely new crew, and she kept calling _me_ Einarsson to complete the ruse. Once the crew believed, she left.”

“What? Why?” Bean said.  
Pendergast sighed. “Because the _name_ is what’s important—Einarsson is already an established pirate. Forget the fact that I didn’t _want_ to be a pirate, that doesn’t matter, especially not to Magnhild. But I’m here now, and that’s what matters, right?”  
“Could you not say no to Magnhild?” I asked.

Pendergast set his jaw. “I tried. Before you start bringing things up like that, no, that’s not what happens. She kind of just… decides you’re friends, and then cannot be dissuaded. It was just easier to play along with that delusion—“ That was when Bean stepped into a sand pit. It swallowed her completely.

“Bean!” Pendergast yelled, before cutting a vine and jumping in with it.  
“Wow, I really hope they don’t die while we’re still stuck here.” Elfo said.  
“Can’t even eat the bodies.” I agreed.  
They eventually emerged from the sand, gasping and choking. He did that thing where he cups her face, and he said, “Don’t you see? I’m not myself without you.”  
“Dork.” Bean coughed.

“Your dork, princess.”  
“I really hope we don’t die here. I just got you back.” Bean grinned.  
I climbed onto her head. “Well, we know when the flame spurts are coming—oh!” I heard another popping sound, and rushed to the spot, reveling in the warmth.  
“We know what the sand pits look like now.” Elfo added.

“There are really only three dangers in the Fire Swamp, and the yokels haven’t bothered us yet.” Pendergast pointed out. “We’ll make it out.”  
“And then what?” Bean asked.  
Pendergast bit his lip. “Then… if you’ll have me…”

“Yes.”  
“I didn’t even finish.”  
“Doesn’t matter.” Bean said. “Whatever you were going to say, I’m going with you.”  
Pendergast laughed gently. “I was going to ask you to marry me, princess.”

“Even better. You’re the only person I’d say yes to about that anyway.” Bean grinned. “Besides, I might like being a pirate instead of a princess.”  
Pendergast laughed. “You and Magnhild would probably be great friends.”  
“Hate to break up the reunion or whatever, but uh… what was that about yokels?” Elfo asked.

For you see, two yokels had indeed gathered in the trees.  
“Who’re you callin’ yokels, troll?” One of them spat.  
“Hey! He’s not a troll! Trolls are a different thing, you _racist_!” I yelled back, because love is about defending your boyfriend from hicks and nothing else.

Pendergast drew his sword. “There’s no need for trouble here. We’ll just be on our way.”  
“Nuh uh uh, your little troll friend there insulted us. He’s gonna have to pay for that.” The other one said. “He’s not enough meat on his bones on his own… but hey, there’s the rest of y’all!”

“Oh my God, why eat _us_?” I said. “I’ll give you indigestion. So will Elfo. Just eat Bean and Pendergast.”  
“We ain’t gonna eatcha. We’re gonna feed ya to the swamp monster.” The first one pointed out. “Duh. What, you think we’re gonna eat people?”  
“That’s real f—messed up.” The second one said. “Why would you think we eat _people_? Is this another one of your stereotypes, kitty cat?”

“Oh, the swamp monster’s gonna enjoy eatin’ folk tonight!” The first one did a little dance.  
“Listen, I’m sorry for these two. They have a tendency to run their mouths. We meant no disrespect. Can you _please_ just let us pass?” Pendergast asked.  
“They think we eat folk!” The second one pointed out. “That goes against runnin’ mouths, that’s a dangerous stereotype!”  
“I mean, you did specifically talk about the ‘meat on Elfo’s bones’.” Bean pointed out. “It wasn’t so much a stereotype as a misunderstanding of your intent.”

“…Swamp monster’s still gotta eat. You won’t get out of this one, skinny girl.” The first one began to advance with a little skillet. The second one didn’t have a weapon.  
“One on one?” Pendergast asked, back to back with Bean.  
“You know it.” She grinned.

I learned several things that day. One, fighting a dude with a skillet is different than fighting a lady with a sword. Two, yokels can and will bite if given the chance. Pendergast also learned both these things. The yokel ended up skewered, and Pendergast was still picking teeth out of his shoulder when Bean knocked out the other one.

“Ooh, hope that doesn’t get infected.” Bean winced.  
“I’ll be fine.” Pendergast said. “You’re here.”  
“Yeah, Bean can magically fix wounds. _Sap_.” I said loudly in his ear.  
“Hey, you two could have helped.” Bean said.

“Well, I _could_ cauterize it.” I replied.  
Pendergast visibly cringed. “Yeah, no, they had to cauterize the eye. I’d prefer not to have to deal with anything like that again.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Did that really happen to Dad?” Addie interrupted, eyes wide. “That’s awful!”  
“Well… he never actually shared the details of the eye thing with _me_, and I’ve tried eavesdropping on your parents about it, but your mom seems to know.” Luci shrugged. “I’ve had to patch up plot holes myself.”  
“He lost it on the crusades. He wasn’t awake when they took it out.” Freddie said off-handedly.

Both Luci and Addie looked at him.  
“I asked.” Freddie said. “He’s not ashamed of it—he lost it protecting Grandfather, and he said he’d do it again.”  
Addie bit her lip. “I always thought it was _mean_ to ask and imply it’s something that needs explaining to us.”

“How is putting firecrackers set to go off under your parents’ bed while they’re sleeping not mean? Your dad wakes up at dawn.” Luci pointed out.  
“That’s not our fault.” Addie said. “And we haven’t done that for a while. It was just a harmless prank.”  
“Besides, I don’t think they were asleep.” Freddie added. “I heard Dad say something right before it went off. _That’s_ when we started running.”

“You two are tiny sociopaths, and I love you.” Luci replied.  
Addie pouted. “You’re reacting a lot better than Dad did. We had to go do campaign training the next day, and it seems like it wasn’t planned. I hate campaign training.”  
“The packs are so _heavy_.” Freddie whined.

“Back to the story?” Luci cleared his throat.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, we got out of the Fire Swamp. Kinda just walked out, it’s not important. Anyway, Merkimer was waiting for us.  
“This has been fun, but it’s time for you to come home, princess.” Merkimer said. “I told your father I’d bring you back or die trying.”  
“So die.” Bean replied. “It’s not really my problem.”

There were a _lot_ of bows suddenly pointed at us.  
“Hi, Pendergast!” Turbish called, waving.  
“Hi, Turbish.” Pendergast sighed.  
“Princess, there’s been a lot of talk of _death_ and _dying_.” Merkimer said. “Why don’t you come away from that man, and we can all just go home?”

Pendergast drew his sword. “Over my dead body.”  
“I thought that was implied? Unless she complies?” Merkimer looked around. “Everyone got that, right? What, was it too affable? Okay, let me be more direct. I will murder this man unless you come back and marry me.”  
Bean looked at Pendergast, then at Merkimer, then pulled Pendergast close. “Come get me, okay?”

“Always, Bean.” He replied.  
She kissed him, then turned back to Merkimer. “Okay, if I’m going with you, he goes free. No tricks, no traps, nothing.”  
“Princess—” Merkimer began.  
“Stop ruining that word for me.” Bean interrupted. “Call me Tiabeanie. You haven’t earned the right to say Bean either.”

“Tiabeanie, I promise that I will not touch your… whoever this is. On my word as a prince, I shall not lay a hand upon him.”  
Bean looked at me. “Are you okay being separated from Elfo for a while and staying with Pen?”  
“I’ll live.” I said, though it pained my heart to do so.

I gripped Elfo’s hands in mine. “Take care, for my heart goes with you.”  
“I shall not smile until your return to my arms.” Elfo said.  
Everybody clapped—ow, stop throwing pillows at me! Fine! I stayed with Pendergast as Elfo and Bean left—she refused to go near Merkimer, by the way, but she still _left_. She kind of stole Turbish’s horse.  
When they were out of sight, the bows still weren’t lowered. I scurried up to sit on Pendergast’s unwounded shoulder as a man rode up.

He had the stupid haircut Miri described, as well as goggles on his forehead. He looked like a _huge_ asshole.  
“So, I take it I’m not going to be allowed to go?” Pendergast asked.  
The man chuckled. “I’m afraid not. Merkimer may have promised that you’d be free to go, but… I made no such promises. And I can’t have you upsetting plans that have been so carefully laid.”  
“Like burning down the house in Dreamland? Someone’s been looking for you.” Pendergast said.

“People don’t always get to find the people they’re looking for properly.” The man replied. “Hence why I passed the princess going the other way as I rode up.”  
I gasped dramatically. “Are you going to take that?”  
Pendergast ignored me. “You have me at a disadvantage, sir. You appear to know who I am, but I don’t know you.”

“Sky Gunderson. It’s my business to know about possible threats to my plans, Pendergast ap Arwel ap Maredudd.”  
“And what are those plans?” Pendergast asked, unfazed about this man knowing his name.  
Sky Gunderson smirked. “Hmm… that depends. I want Bentwood and Dreamland to be united for a trade deal, because that means I have ease of access to certain… materials. The only way that will happen is if your princess—you consider her yours, don’t you?—marries Merkimer.”

“So, are you going to try and kill me now for your _materials_?” Pendergast asked.  
Sky Gunderson laughed. “God, no. What a waste that’d be. No, I have other plans for you, Pendergast ap Arwel ap Maredudd. Don’t worry, I won’t forget the demon on your shoulder either.”  
“Wait, what—” I was grabbed and shoved into a cloudy jar. I could barely hear anything—but I did realize Pendergast was knocked out, and we were moving after a while.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Uncle Luci, with all due respect, that’s bullshit.” Addie said. “Dad is undefeated.”  
“Nothing gets Dad down.” Freddie agreed. “Dad’s the strongest man in the whole world.”  
“…have you guys told him you think that?” Luci asked.  
Addie looked at him, confused. “What do you mean? It’s a fact.”

“Fact or not, it’d probably make Pendergast’s day if you guys said that to him.” Luci pointed out quietly. “Not that I care, or anything.”  
“If you don’t care, why say it?” Freddie asked.  
Addie smiled at Luci. “You _careeee_.”  
“Ugh, no I don’t. Especially not about _Pendergast_, egh.” Luci made a face. The children weren’t fooled.

“I think there’s a lot of love in you, if you’d only let it out. It doesn’t even have to be for everyone, but don’t try and pretend you don’t care period.” Addie said as kindly as she could.  
“Also, please give us back our pillows.” Freddie said.  
“I am a _demon_. I’m not _kind_ or _loving_.” Luci scoffed. “Get your own pillows back, you miscreants.”  
“We’ll tell Dad.” Addie said, gathering up the pillows—they’d ended up on her bed anyway, since Luci was still there.

“Trying to scare me into being nice to you won’t work.” Luci scoffed.  
“No, the thing you said. About how he’s the strongest man in the world.” Freddie replied, taking his pillows back. “Thanks, Addie.”  
“No problem, Freddie.” She replied, getting back into her own bed. “Please continue, Uncle Luci.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most of the details aren’t important, but Sky Gunderson had a secret lab in Dreamland where he was measuring pain. Can you guys guess where this is going? Yeah, that’s right, I’m the kind of guy who tells ten year olds a story about their dad that has a part where he’s tortured mercilessly.

I won’t bore you with the details, but Sky Gunderson had this machine that would suck away years of your life. And he finally had a test subject, while I had to watch from the jar. The jar wasn’t cloudy now. Whatever, doesn’t matter.

I heard from Elfo later that Bean kept getting confrontational with Merkimer, and refused to get married. She got into a shouting match with her dad whether or not Pendergast was alive or not. Sky Gunderson needed the parts for his machine more and more, and I guess Elfo must have noticed him and followed him down one day while Zog locked Bean in her room.

“I know this isn’t the right conditions for a final test, but I feel like I can get more test subjects. Maybe none with your physical fitness, but that really makes you more of an outlier, doesn’t it?”  
Pendergast struggled futilely against the bonds, and Sky Gunderson shrugged. “It’s been fun, but I need materials more than I need you.” He shifted the machine to its highest setting, and holy shit you guys. He _killed_ your dad.

Then he left, and Elfo ran over and freed me.  
“Is he okay?” Elfo asked, wringing his hands.

“Nah.” I replied.  
“Should we tell Bean?”  
I hopped up on the table Pendergast was strapped to, and pressed an ear to his chest.  
“…maybe.”

“She’s getting married tonight.” Elfo whispered. “I heard Turbish and Mertz talking about it.”  
“…we don’t have time for Bean to grieve. We need to get Bunty and Miri.”

Bunty and Miri, as it turns out, were sitting in the Jittery.  
“Hey. Hey. I found the guy who burned down your house.” Elfo pulled on Miri’s sleeve.  
She tossed back her drink. “Lead me to ‘im.”  
“Castle’s guarded by… well, the idiots, mostly, but first you gotta help us fix Pendergast.” I said.

“Isn’t he dead?” Bunty asked. “Bad business that.”  
We explained on the way, leading them to the body. Miri poked him experimentally. “Yeah, I know how to fix this.”  
“He’s _dead_!” Bunty exclaimed.  
“Yeah? Then he can’t be messed up more. Help me carry him.” Miri said. She said ‘help me’, but really, Bunty did all the carrying. Miri led us to a hut on the edge of the Enchanted Forest, and thumped on the door.

“Go away! We’re closed!” A voice came from the inside.  
“It’s me, you cheap bastard!” Miri called back. “You owe me a miracle or two month’s pay, which is it going to be?”  
A little window slid open. “You’d trust me to do a miracle?”

Miri crossed her arms. “Can you make him any more dead?”  
“Probably.” The old man opened the door anyway. This was definitely before your time, but he was a little old guy named Sorcerio with a weird hat.  
Bunty carried him in, and laid him on the table.

“He looks freshly dead.” Sorcerio prodded Pendergast. “Have you been pickling him?”  
“Nah, apparently he just croaked. Can you fix him before Bean is forced to marry a guy she hates?” Miri asked.  
Sorcerio poked Pendergast again. “…I’m sorry, but I’m not… a very good wizard.”  
“Yeah, you’re not a great boss either. Can you fix him, or can you pay me?” Miri demanded.

“…I would need the Eternity Pendant, and I don’t know where that is—” Sorcerio began, before another man glided into the room from seemingly nowhere.  
“Just help Pendergast, my love.” Odval said stiffly. “I fear what Tiabeanie will do to Bentwood if left to her own devices.”  
“I still need a drop of elf blood.” Sorcerio said.

“Elfo’s a half-elf. What about _two_ drops of his blood?” I suggested.  
“Oh, _come on_.” Elfo said, before Bunty stabbed him in the finger. Two drops of blood went in, and it began to glow. Sorcerio slipped the pendant around Pendergast’s neck, and he sat up straight, gasping.

“How do you feel?” Sorcerio asked.  
“I would appreciate it if _no one_ ever asked me that again.” Pendergast ground out.  
“He seems to be fine.” Odval snarked.

Miri punched Pendergast in the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me who you were instead of letting me think you were a stalker?”  
“You kidnapped Bean, what was I supposed to think?” Pendergast asked, rubbing his arm. “…where is Bean, anyway?”  
“She’s being forced into marriage tonight.” Elfo said.

Pendergast sighed. “Nothing can ever be easy, can it?”  
“Nah.” I said, hopping up on his uninjured shoulder. “That’s the fun part.”  
“So, what are we doing, storming the castle?” Pendergast asked. “Or just walking into church?”  
“I still gotta kill this Sky Gunderson asshole.” Miri shrugged.

“For me? I’m touched.” Pendergast drawled.  
“Ew, no.” Miri made a face. “Revenge comes first, I just owe Bean. We’re not friends.”  
“Right.” Pendergast hauled himself off of Sorcerio’s table. “Well, from one not-friend to another, thanks.”  
“Are you sure you should be moving around so quickly?” Sorcerio asked.

Pendergast stumbled a bit. “I don’t have much of a choice, do I? When’s the wedding, Elfo?”  
“Uh… my information comes from Turbish and Mertz—”  
“Okay, we should probably get moving now before she actually _gets_ married.” I said. “Church it is.”

“Fine, Sky Gunderson is probably going to the wedding.” Miri shrugged. “…we might have to walk. I don’t trust you on a horse.”  
“That’s probably wise.” Pendergst admitted, before taking off the amulet and handing it to Sorcerio. “Thank you. Both of you.”

Sorcerio patted him on the injured shoulder. “We’ll do you one better and give you clean clothes if you don’t tell anyone where we are.”  
“Especially Tiabeanie.” Odval added.  
“…done?” Pendergast said.  
Odval handed him a pair of fresh clothes, and I hopped off his shoulder. Pendergast disappeared down to the cellar, and changed clothes. When he returned, we set off for town.

We got there as the church bells began ringing and the church doors were closing. Turbish and Mertz were guarding the door.  
“Zog said don’t let anyone else in.” Turbish said, in what passed for apologetic for him.  
“Especially those two.” Mertz pointed at Elfo and me. “They helped the princess escape last time.”  
“Me?” I gasped. “_Me_? You’d accuse _me_ of committing these—these _crimes_? How dare you sir.”

“Let’s _go_, I’ve got a guy to stab.” Miri said.  
“Now, now, let’s be nice.” Bunty cracked her knuckles.  
Pendergast sighed, and does that thing where he pinches the bridge of his nose. “Turbish? Mertz? I’m your boss. Let me through.”

That made sense to them, because they were and still are idiots, so they opened the doors for us. The organ was starting up, and Bean was screaming bloody murder, not that anyone was listening as Zog frogmarched her down the aisle.

“Now, these delusions of yers, it’s not healthy. I’m of half a mind to have you talk to that advisor of Merkimer’s—what’s his name? Gunderson?” Zog was saying as they reached the altar.  
Miri immediately made a dash to stab Sky Gunderson. “Get back here! You burned down my f—my _freaking house_!”  
Sky Gunderson immediately took off running, and the wedding halted where it was.

“Are we late?” I asked.  
Bean and Zog turned, and Bean grinned, wiping at her eyes. “Took you guys long enough.”  
“I got a bit tied up.” Pendergast smiled back, walking up the aisle. Elfo and I stayed close by him, both to support him if he needed it, and to mask any stumbles.

“So… are you just going to sit down, or…?” Merkimer asked.  
Everyone ignored him. “Princess Tiabeanie Grunkwitz, this has been a long time coming, but will you take me as your husband?” Pendergast asked softly.  
“I do. Do you take me as your wife?” Bean replied.  
I stole some wedding rings and handed them to Bean and Pendergast. He slipped the ring onto her finger.  
“Can-can they do that?” Merkimer asked no one in particular.

“Of course I do.” Pendergast replied. Bean put his ring on him.  
“Well, because God put my father on the throne or something, I guess that gives me the power to say we’re married.” Bean grinned, before throwing herself at Pendergast. They kissed.  
“…I’m going to call it a night. We can unpack all this in the morning.” Zog finally said. “I mean, at least she actually _got_ married. And Pendergast _is_ alive…”

This was intercut with the sounds of Sky Gunderson dying horribly as your parents gazed into each other’s eyes, by the way. And that’s the story of how your parents got married. Jokes on you two, I kept talking long enough that you _have_ to go to sleep now, so you can cause mischief tomorrow without having to take naps like _babies_.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Freddie gasped in betrayal. “You tricked us!”  
“Demon!” Luci laughed. “I told you two I wasn’t nice.”  
Addie yawned. “Thank you for the story, Uncle Luci. It was sweet.”

Luci hopped down from the bed. “It’s fine, get some sleep, kids. Your parents will be back tomorrow.”  
“Good night Uncle Luci.” They chorused, before turning to each other.  
“Good night Freddie.”  
“Good night, Addie.”

“Good night, kids.” Luci said quietly, because he wasn’t going _soft_ dammit.  
He slipped out the door, and nearly tripped after he shut it behind him. Two bodies were lying in the doorway.  
“Hm?” Emma sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. “Wassat? Get back to bed, don’t cause trouble…”  
Elfo rubbed his eyes as well. “Where are the twins?”

“Were you two staking out the twins’ room to stop them before they got too far?” Luci said, vaguely impressed. “Jesus. Emma, get back to bed.”  
Emma rubbed at her eyes a bit harder, and stifled a yawn. “Not-not tired… Dad says we have to be ready for anything… I’m in charge, can’t let anything happen…”

“Nothing’s gonna happen.” Luci said. “Elfo, tell her. I hate being responsible.”  
“Yeah, you should probably get to bed, Emma.” Elfo agreed automatically.  
The demon and the elf escorted the thirteen year old ot her room, convinced her to take off her armor and reveal her pajamas underneath, and go to bed.

“How much of that did you hear?” Luci asked, holding Elfo’s hand as they walked back to their own room.  
“I heard you telling Addie and Freddie a story. That was sweet of you.”  
“It wasn’t sweet! It was filling those children’s heads with blatant lies!” Luci insisted.  
Elfo chuckled. “Whatever works for you, hon.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four years later, Arthur, the youngest child, walked into the throne room. Emma sat next to her mother’s chair, taking notes.  
“Isn’t the Bentwood delegation arriving today?” Pendergast asked off-handedly.  
“Yeah… God, it’s been ages since we’ve seen Merkimer.” Bean replied. “I wonder how he’s been? When was the last time we saw him?”  
“After the wedding, but before Emma was born.” Pendergast said.

Addie and Freddie’s ears pricked up from where they were _technically_ present in the corner. Freddie had a clockwork mechanism that he was tinkering with, and Addie was weaving some sort of net out of fishing line she’d ‘borrowed’.  
“Hey.” Arthur said, reaching his parents and eldest sister. Arthur was also the quietest child, so when he had something to say, the others listened.

“What’s up?” Emma asked him.  
“There’s a pig in the castle.” Arthur said. Everyone looked at Addie and Freddie. Addie and Freddie looked at Arthur. They didn’t have any pranks involving pigs, and Arthur had a habit of just _deciding_ that animals were his friends.  
“What’s the pig doing, sweetie?” Bean asked, getting off of the throne and kneeling down to Arthur’s height.

“He’s got a crown and a funny accent. He said he wants to talk to the Queen.” Arthur said, before saying more quietly, “But you said I should always go get you or Daddy or Emma if there’s a stranger and he’s a stranger.”  
“You did good.” Pendergast said, scooping up Arthur and standing up. “For future reference, he’s an old friend, but the principle still applies. Where is he?”  
Arthur shrugged.

“Where’d you tell him to go?” Bean tried, standing.  
Arthur shrugged again.  
Emma sighed. “Did you just run?”  
Arthur looked over Pendergast’s shoulder to what Addie and Freddie were doing. That meant yes.

It was about that time that said pig entered the throne room. “Well, let’s check here—ah! There’s the happy family.”  
“Merkimer.” Pendergast looked like he was refraining from rolling his eye.  
Emma bowed, which technically was the cue for Addie and Freddie to bow as well. Arthur, having decided that Merkimer was a strange man and not a friendly animal, buried his face in Pendergast’s shoulder.

“How’ve you been?” Bean asked him.  
“Quite well, thank you.” Merkimer said. “Still a pig. Quite the family you have here—this one’s yours?”  
Addie and Freddie crept closer.  
“Our youngest, Arthur.” Pendergast agreed. “And our eldest, Emma.”

Merkimer turned to Emma. “My word, you’re the spitting image of your father.”  
Emma flushed. “Thanks.”  
“Neither of your children inherited your facial features?” Merkimer jokingly asked Bean.  
Bean laughed. “These are only half of them. Addie, Freddie, come say hello.”

The jig was up. Addie and Freddie came into view, and gave a courtly curtsy and courtly bow, respectively.  
Merkimer looked at them, then at Bean and Pendergast. “These are… _your_ children?”  
Pendergast raised an eyebrow. “No, we just kidnap children randomly and pretend they’re ours. Of course they’re our children.”

“Did Mom really jump off a cliff to avoid marrying you?” Addie burst out.  
The three adults looked taken aback.  
“Oof… okay, yes, but you would _never_ be put in that situation. And I only survived because of luck.” Bean said. “Don’t go jumping off of cliffs.”

“Well… I thought we all agreed that you _fell_.” Merkimer said. “It wasn’t really a _jump_…”  
“It was intentional. It was a jump.” Pendergast deadpanned.  
“Does this mean Dad was actually a pirate?” Freddie asked.  
The adults were even more taken aback.

“I… _what_? No.” Pendergast finally said. “Definitely not.”  
“Uncle Luci said you were when he was telling us the story of how you got married.” Freddie shrugged.  
“It was so romantic.” Addie sighed.  
Merkimer blinked owlishly. “What _have_ you been telling these children?”

“When did Luci tell you that stuff?” Bean choked out.  
“About four years ago.” Freddie said.  
Bean counted on her fingers.  
“They would have been ten.” Pendergast said.

“I knew that.” Bean said, holding up her hand. “Jesus, sorry, Merkimer. Clearly we’re going to need to talk to Luci about what’s _appropriate_ to say to children.”  
“It wasn’t _that_ bad.” Addie said quickly. It was alright when _they_ got in trouble. “We didn’t believe him anyway when he said Dad died, even if he came back to life, or that Dad killed Grandmother in a duel of the minds.”

“…_what_?” Emma asked.  
“I mean, while I’m here, I wouldn’t mind discussing getting rid of _that woman_. She and my mother are _far_ too close. It’s unseemly.” Merkimer said.  
“I’m not _murdering_ my mother in law.” Pendergast snapped.

“Oh, c’mon. Who’s not down for a spot of mother-in-law murder? Remember when she kidnapped your wife?” Merkimer pointed out.  
“With Bunty and Miri.” Addie agreed.  
“Stop. Talking.” Emma hissed.

“Eh… with Stryker and Bolt, more than anything, if we’re going off of the second time. I think Bunty and Miri got turned to stone the first time.” Bean mused.  
“They did.” Merkimer said. “…why don’t we rejoin later, and your children can tell us the full version of what they believe is the story.”  
“Somehow, I don’t trust the person who told _you—_and half of Dreamland— exactly what happened right after the fact to behave and not have told our children the incredibly inappropriate story behind our marriage.” Pendergast remarked drily.

“Perhaps you should set the record straight.” Freddie suggested.  
“I don’t want to hear this.” Emma buried her face in her hands. “Uncle Thomas gave me the short version. I don’t want it to be recounted.”

“That’s the correct response.” Bean said.  
“Clearly, your children already know something, so why not let them say what they know? Whose innocence are you protecting?” Merkimer continued.  
“Merkimer, until you’re a parent, you don’t get to weigh in.” Bean said.

“I actually had several bastards before you were due to marry my brother, and eventually me.” Merkimer pointed out. “Several of whom have grown up to be men and women of excellent character.”  
“Only several?” Pendergast muttered.  
Bean shot him a _Look_. A look that said, ‘don’t be rude, even if you’re right and I’d laugh about it in private, because I don’t want to have to soothe his ego’.  
“Well, the ones that want anything to do with me, anyway.” Merkimer shrugged. “You know how it is, spreading your wild oats.”

Arthur looked at Pendergast, confused.  
“I can assure you, I know for a fact that all my children are within five feet of me.” Pendergast ground out.  
“_Okay_, how about we stop talking about this—” Bean tried.

“Wassa bastard?” Arthur asked.  
“_Thanks_ for that, Merkimer.” Bean sighed. “…how about we all meet up again later? Emma, take Arthur. Addie, Freddie, can you show Merkimer to his room?”  
Everyone filed out of the room, leaving Bean and Pendergast alone.

“Pirate, huh?” She grinned at her husband.  
He rolled his eye. “I don’t know _where_ they get half their ideas.”  
She laughed. “I like to think they inherited my flair.”  
“Flair? Is that what we’re calling it?” Pendergast laughed as well, pulling her close.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five rated as the most passionate, the most pure. This one wasn’t one of them, didn’t even scrape the top 20. But it was still a good kiss, a kiss that said, ‘I love you so much, you’re what keeps me going when life gets hectic or weird, and I have been doing this so long with you that I can’t see any other way to live. You make me so happy, and I’m glad I get to share my life with you, all the ups and downs.’

Bean pulled away, chuckling. “Dork.”  
“Your dork, princess.” Pendergast replied, taking her hand and following her out of the room before the children could cause too much damage.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, Bean and Pendergast want to believe that their 'as you wish' is the 'I think I love you' thing. It's not. It's totally the 'your dork, princess'. 
> 
> When Addie and Freddie say their father takes them campaigning, that's how Pendergast enforces discipline. He takes his children camping, makes them carry everything they'll take, and pretends that they are in charge of an army. Sometimes, he'll wake them up in the middle of the night and say that the 'enemy army' is attacking, and make them scramble to 'fix' it. Pendergast is of the view that children are like knights, only more likable. (No, his father didn't do this with him. He very much does not do the kind of discipline that his father did.)


End file.
